
aassjfJiiil.^ 



Spencer's Boston Theatre. 

Price, 12 1-2 Cents, each. Ten for One Dollar. 
BOUND VOLUMES, SI. 



VOL. I. 

i : 1 Moll Piteher, 

11 2 The Forest Rose, 

I 3 Swiss Swains, 

, ! i Bachelor's Bedrnom, 

I 5 Sophia's Supper, 

i I A Roland for an 01i>cr, 

i I 7 Black -eved Siisan, 

I 8 John Bull, 

I I VOL. II. 

j I 9 Satan in Bai-is, 

I iO More Blunders than one, 

] 1 Bosina Meadows, 

12 The Dumb Belle, 

13 My Aunt, 

14 Spring an! Autumn, 

15 Six Degrees of Crime, 

16 Linieiiek Boy, 

VOL. III. 

17 Presiuiipti\e Endence, 

18 Man and Wife, 

19 The Sergeant's "Wife, 

20 Masks ,1.1.1 F:uvs. 

21 Al.'irv \Vi',,s..r Windsor, 
2-J XiUmv niid niilnsophv, 
2:! Agnrs ,]<■ Wiv, 

2-t Shandy Maguire, 

VOL. IV. 

25 Wild Oats, 

26 Michael Erie, 

27 Teddy the Tiler, 

23 Spectre Bridegroom, 

29 Idiot Witness, 

30 AViUow Coijse, 

31 Matteo Falcone, 

32 People's Lawyer, 

VOL. V. 

33 Jenny Lind, 

34- Comedy of Errore, 

35 Lucretia Borgia, 

36 Surgeon of Paris. 

.37 Patrician's Daughter, 

38 The Two Buzzards, 

39 Shoemaker of Toulouse, 

40 Momentous Questian, 



VOL. VI. 

41 Love and Loyalty. 

42 Bobber's Wife. 
I 43 Happy Man, 

44 Dumb Giil of Genoa. 
! 45 Wreck Ashore, 
i 46 Clari. 

47 Miller and his Men. 

48 Wallace. 

VOL. VII. 

I 49 Madelaine. 
j 50 Betsev Baker. 

51 TheFii-eman, 

52 No. 1, Eoimd the Comer, 
! 53 Teddy Eoc. 

54 Grist to the ]\Iill. 
I 55 Object of Interest. 
1 56 Two Loves and a Life. 



VOL. VIII. 

57 Anne Blake. 

58 My Fellow Clerk. 

59 Bengal Tiger. 
61) The Steward. 
01 ('apt. Kvd. 

(12 Ni.k ,t the Woods. 
O:^ The ^larble Heart. 

64 Laughing Hyena. 

VOL. IX. 

65 Second Love. 

66 The Victor Vanquished. 

67 Om- Wife 

68 Dream at Sea. 

69 My Husband's MuTor. 

70 Yankee Land. 

71 Korah Criina, 

72 Good for Nothing. 

VOL. X. 

73 The First Night. 

74 The Eake's Progi-ess. 

75 Pet of the Petticoats. 

76 The Eaton Boy. 

77 Wandering Minstrel. 

78 Wanted 1000 Milliners. 
; 79 Poor PUlicoddy. 

80 Breach of Promise. 



VOL. XI. 

"81 The Mumniv. 

82 The Eeview. 

83 Ladv of the Lake. 

84 Still Water Eims Deep. 

85 Man of Many Friends. 

86 Love in Livery. 

87 Antony and Cleopatra. 

88 The Scholar. 

VOL. XII. 

89 Helping Hands. 

90 Aladdin. 

91 Trying it on. 

92 Stage Sti-uck Yankee, 

93 Young Wife & Old 

94 Last Man, (Umb'la 

95 Belles' Stratagem. 

96 Crinoline. 

VOL. XIll. 

97 Old and Young. 

98 A Family Failing. 

99 The Young Scamp, 

100 The Adopted Child. 

101 The Turned Head. 

102 A Match in the Dark, 

103 Advice to Husbands. 

104 Eaffaelle, 

VOL. XIV. 

105 Euth Oakley 

106 The British Slave. 

107 Siamese Twins, 

108 A Life's Eansom, 

109 Sent to the Tower. 

110 Gu-alda, 

111 Time Tries all, 

112 Ella Eosenburg. 

VOL. XV. 

113 Somebody Else. 

114 Warlock of the Glen 

115 Zerlina, 

116 Ladies' Battle, 

117 Art of Acting, 

118 The brigand, 

119 The Lady of the Lions, 

120 Neighbor Jackwood, 



WILLIAM Y. SPENCER, 
PUBLISHER, 

No. 9 9 T RE MO NT STREET, 

(Nearly opposite the Tremont House,) BOSTON. 



SPENCER'S BOSTON THEATRE No. IV. 

THE 

BACHELOR'S BEDROOM: 

OB, 

TWO IN THE MORNING. 

WRITTEN BY 

CHARLES MATHEWS, ESQ., 

AUTHOR OP 

"The Dowager" ^^ Truth," '■^The Ringdoves," ^^ A match for a King," 
''My Wife's Mother," ''Little Toddlekins," "Humpbacked Lover," Etc. 

V 

WITH ORIGINAL OASTS, COSTUMES, AND THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE 

BUSINESS, CORRECTLY MARKED AND ARRANGED, BY 

MR. J. B. WRIGHT, ASSISTANT MANAGER 

OF THE BOSTON THEATRE. 



BOSTON: 

WILLIAM V. SPENCER, 

92 Tremont Street. 









DRAMA.TIS PERSONJE. 

Lyceum — London. 

Newpenny, - - Mr. Keeley. 

u/ , ' Stranger^ Mr. C. Mathews. 

Gentleman, (to appear at window,) - - - Mr. Kerridge. 
Female, (to speak without,) - - - . . Miss Lane. 



Museum — Boston, 1850. 

Newpenny, - - Mr. W. Warren. 

Stranger, Mr. L. J. Mestayer. 



Museum — Boston, 1856. 

Newpenny, Mr. W. Warren. 

Stranger, -------- Mr. H. Farren. 



Chamber Street, N. Y., 1866. 

Newpenny, ------- Mr. L. Goldsmidt. 

Stranger, Mr. L. J. Mestayer. 



TIME OP REPRESENTATION, FORTY MINUTES. 



BACHELOR'S BEDROOM 



Scene 1st. — A bachelor's bedroom, 

The pink of neatness. In the centre of flat, a very wide toindow, suffi- 
ciently large every way to show plainly, when open, another window of 
similar dimensions, supposed to he on the other side of the street. The 
windoiv has a tvhite blind drawn down — curtains drawn over it. On e. 
H. a bed, the curtains drawn closely around it. At the side of the bed, a 
chair with a morning goivn laid neatly on it — at the foot, a rushlight 
burning. On R. H.'l E., near the bed, a ivash-hand-stand as if recently 
used. Set cujhboard door R. h. 2 e. On the wall l. h. hangs a Greek 
cap and a latch key. l. h. 2 e. a very neat fire-place— fender , tongs, rug, 
fireguards, ^r. — fire nearly out — coal scuttle with three lumps of coal in 
it on L. H. — a pair of bellmvs hangs from a nail near the chimney — a 
boot-jack on the rtig. On mantlepiece, looking-glass, two vases — in the 
centre a loatch-case ivith a tvatch in it — two unlighted candles, one with 
extinguisher — on the rug afoot-pan — a dishivith soap, sponge, etc., and 
a horse for toivcls, as if recently used — an arm-chair near it with a jacket 
hanging over the back of it. Near the chimney L. h. a small writing table, 
with its appropriate furniture, particularly a bundle of nexv pens, a pen- 
knife, sealing wax and a paper-knife, L. H. 3 e. a door leading to the 
stair case — an umbrella and hat on pegs — carpet doicn. On l. h. 1 e. a 
settle ivith things laid very neatly, as if recently taken off— a pair of 
boots standing side by side in front of it. Stage dark, excepting the 
rushlight, and the red light thrown from a fire on the objects near it. 

[Mr. Newpenny is in bed but not visible to the audience.'] 

The wind is heard and a gentle rain at intervals — silence for a minute or 
two, then irregular knocking behind fiat, moderate at first , and gradually 
increasing — supposed to be in the street. 

Neicpcnny. \In bed — the curtains draivn close — a knock,] Come in! 
\^A knock — he pops his head through the curtains — a knock — hepidls open 
the curtains.] What can be the matter? [Aknock.] Oh! it's in the 
street ; some one locked out of his lodgings. \^A knock.] It never 



4 THE BACHELOR S BEDROOM t 

cnnbe the STme -^prs-n that '.vas knocking Iia'.f an hour ago, and kept 
up lialliiiiig Out 

Voice. Kichanlt- ! [K/)m'kui</.] 

Nciv. Richards! it's the very same, 1 dec'are ! They 're in no 
hurry to open the door, bowrver. 

Voice. Kiubardsl IKnockiiiff.] 

New. Confouud Kichardu ! I only wish he was as bad a sleeper as 
I am ; he wouldn't want so much [Kiiock\ knocking and 

Voi. Ric-h.n-ds ! 

New. Calling f.r. [Knocking and calling.'] That's right ! Knock 
away— don't be afraid! He's getting impatient, and 1 don't wonder 
at it. [Knocking.] Where the deuce can it be at? It sounds like 
number [Two knocks.'] two! It niust be [Knock.] number two! 
[Dropping of to .deep again.] at number [2 k?wckt<] two — number 
[Knocking.] t» ! [ A.s lit diopis at:/eip on /li.t pillmv —pause ; llun a Ire- 
viendous knocking which wakes him up.] (ih ! up: n my sduI there 's no 
Standing this ! Hell knock there ail night, and I've got to be at my 
otfice at eight o'cIuck. I shan't get a wink. [ Conlinmd knocking and 
calls of ''Richards," till he opens the window, c.J I'll put a stop to it at 
once, [lie takes his dressing gown f I om the chair at the side of the bed, 
puts it on, and then draics the curt'iim. Single knocks, while he gets out 
of bed and puts on his slippers. The dressing gown must reach to his heels. 
He then hastily shuffles to the windoio. draics up the blind and throivs open 
the u'indoiv — knocking ceases.] It is at number two — that infernal 
lodging house opposite ! Confound number two ! [Knock single.] Sir! 
sir! the noise you are making is abominable. Sir! [Knocking ceases.] 
Do you hear me, sir ? 

Voi. Sir ? 

New. At last ! Here I am sir — up here, in the two pair opposite 
—that's it. 

Voi. What's the matter, sir? 

New. Will you allow me to ask you if you contemplate knocking 
at that door much longer ? 

Voi. What do you say. Sir? 

Neiv. "What do I say ! Sir, I gay it would be much more agreeable 
to me, and 1 presume to my neighbors if you would go quietly into 
your house without alarming the whole parish, as you are doing — 
that's what I say, sir. 

Voi. Pray, sir, do you mean to insult me by telling me to go 
quietly into my house, when I've almost beaten the door down, and 
can't get in ? Surely you must have heard how I've been knocking. 

New. I have indeed, rather 

Voi. And it must be evident to you that I can't make my man 
hear. 

New. I have no hesitation in declaring that your man must be 
deaf ! However, sir, now that I have explained to you how very un- 
pleasant your noise has become, I am sure you will have too much 
consideration for your neighbors, to disturb them any longer. Give 
your man time to get up and dress himself, and I've no doubt he '11 
come to the door — he mv^t have heard you — I am sure he must, 



OB, TWO IN TUE MORNING. ^ 

only be patient ! Sir, I have the honor of wishing you a very good 
night! [S'nits the window — shivers and coii/jhs as he returns to bed.'] 
How very pleasant ! a nice cold I've got — I feel it already. [Sneezes.\ 
I wonder what o'clock it is? \^Takes his watch out of the stand on the 
chimney piece, l. h. 2 e. and brings it to rushlight on R. n.J Two in the 
morniiig ! very pleasant — as I said before, I must be at my office at 
eight; I haven't been one minute after, for ten years — so a great 
deal of sleep I'm likely to get ! \_Arrangcs his bed.'] Come, corae, my 
gentle^man has had the manners to yield respectfully to my remon- 
strances, and, as luckily I am dying with sleep, I may still get a 

littl'.' sweet and refreshing [_Knocking repeated, till Newpenny calls 

out, Hoy, hoy ! there he is again. [^Knocking — he throius up the ivin- 
dovK c] Sir! [Knocking ceases.] — Sir! 

Voi. Oh, don't bother! can't you go to sleep and let me alone? 

New. Go to sleep indeed ! I defy a top to sleep ! I can tell you 
this— as true as you are born, if you don't leave off knocking I'll call 
the police. 

Voi. You may call the devil, if you please ; but I've a right to 
knock as long as I like at my own door. 

Neiv. You 've no right. 

Voi. I have. 

New. You have n't. 

Voi. I have ! and if I have n't I shall. 

New. You shan't ! 

Voi. No? 

New. No ! 

Voi. Oh ! we'll soon see that. [Knocks.] Richards I 

New. Sir! sir! stop — I've something to say. [Knocking stops."] 

Voi. Well, well ! what now ? Can't you be quiet ? 

New. Can't yoM bo quiet, you mean. That's just what I've been 
asking you this last half hour ! I tell you I do n't like being kept 
up here in the cold ! 

Voi. Then how do you think 1 like being kept down here in the 
wet? 

New. Wet? bless me, so it is ; pouring cats and dogs. I shall 
catch my death of cold. 

Voi. What do you say ? 

Neil). 1 say I shall catch my death. 

Voi. So shall I. Richards ! Richards ! [Knocking incessantly.] 

Netv. Oh, by Jove, I can 't stand this. [Knocki?ig ceases.] Why 
don't you get a bed at an inn ? 

Vui. I 've my own peculiar reasons for not loosing sight of this 
door. [Knocks.] 

New. There is only one thing to be done. Sir ! Sir ! [Knocking 
ceases.] I wish you would do me the favor to step up here. 

Voi. How do you mean ? 

New. From the little I have seen of you, and the great deal I 
have heard of you, 1 should say you were as likely a man as any I 
know, to knock there till 

Voi. Till they let me in ! you 're right ; I am. 



6 THE bachelor's BEDROOM : 

Nm. Then, if agreeable to you, I'd much rather see you quietly 
asleep, in my room, than hear you awake, anywhere else within a 
mile of it. 

Vol. Upon my soul, sir, if you're in earnest, I don't thiuk your 
offer is to be sneezed at. 

New. Ko more do I. \^Sneeze.s7\ 

Voi. What do you say ? 

Mu'. I say, | Sneezes.] I say I don 't think it is a thing to be 
]^Sneezes.'] I say I wish you'd make haste and decide. 

Voi. Well then, under the circumstances, I accept your offer. 

Ne^v. Thank haaven ! 

Voi. I'll just make one more trial. \_Begins to knock and caU.I 
Richards ! 

New. No, no ! if you knock any more I'll leave you where you are. 
Here ! look out, here's my latch-key. [ Takes key off the nail l. h. f., 
and throws it out of the icindow.] Mind ! the door opposite No. 35, sec- 
ond story. Stay! I'll light a candle for you. [Pauses a little — shuts 
ike windotv.] Yes, that's my only chance. \_A door heard to bang u 
H. 3 E. and a window to break.'] There ! he has banged the door so 
that he has broken the fan-light! The man's a positive earthquake. 
{^Lights a candle at the rushlight.] Now if he is but a snorer, that will 
be compete ! [ Ojiens door l. h. 3 e.J This way, sir. 

[A fall heard u;pon the stairs, l. n. 3 e.] 

Voi. Damn the coal-scuttle ! I've broken my shins ! 

New. Hush ! for goodness' sake — you'll wake all the house. How 
he swears, too — I hope no one will hear him — I shall lose my 
character. 

Voi. Why the devil do n't you show a light there ? 

Neic. Hush ! don't bawl so ; and hold on by the banisters — that's it. 

A stranger enters door 3 e. l. h. hastily, passing before Newpenny who is 
near the door l. h. lie appears wet and muddy — a cigar in his mouth 
and a dripping umbrella in his hand — he comes down e. h. 

Sir. Thank you. Here's your latch-key. 

New. Key ! I lent you a key, and you return me a corkscrew. 

Str. I can't compliment you on your staircase ; it's steep as a lad- 
der and as dark as pitch. 

Netv. Why, you see, not expecting visitors at this hour, the lamp 
was out. [Seeing that the door is left open.] Have you any one else 
with you? I The stranger shakes the rain off his hat, and puts it down 
with his umbrella, on a chair — Newpenny instantly removes them.] You've 
left the door open; I'm sure you re not aware of it, but — deuce 
take him. [Seeing that the other does not attend, puts the candle on the 
table, and shuts the door, during which time the stranger goes to the win- 
dow centre and throivs it open. 

Sir. Exactly opposite ! — my own window, I declare — there it is, 
sure enough. [ Walks away from it and paces the stage.] 



OR, TWO IN THE MORNING. 7 

Neiv. {Shutting the ivindow after him, down R.] Ah ! you live on the 
second floor opposite, do you "/ Hollo ! why you're smoking, and I've 
a particular objection 

Str. Am I? — I didn't know it. \^Puts his cigar on the mantlcpiece l. 
H. 2 E.] 

Nezc. They didn't expect you home to night, it seems? 

Str. \_To himself] It's very extraordinary. 

Neiv. What is it ? 

Str. What has just occurred. 

Neiv. Oh ! my asking you up ! AVhy, as you say, it was an odd 
thing to do — but 

Str. [ Without hearing him.'] Not to open the door — my own door ! 
Do you think, sir, they heard me knock ? 

New. Do I think ! Oh, my gracious ! You don't really ask me 
such a question seriously? 

Sir. Then it must have been done on purpose. They must have 
bribed Richards to leave me out in the street, and on such a night, 
too — a devil of a night — -a plot ; don't you think it so yourself, sir? 

New. Why, if .you ask me my opinion • 

Str. In a pouring rain — I'm drenched to the skin. 

Neiv. \ Perceiving that the stranger is icet through and is inundating the 
carpet.] Oh, my goodness! Why, my dear sir, you must be soaked 
through and through ! [ Goes and fetches a towel.] 

Sir. [To himself.] Sliut me out of my own house at two in the 
morning ! [Newpenny follows him about, sopping the wet after him.] They 
guessed it was me. They must have known my voice. [Sees N] 
Hallo ! what on earth are you about? [x. e. h.] 

New. [Follows his trace irith the towel.] Nothing — nothing — only 
I'm rather particular about my floor, and you're dripping like a wa- 
ter spout. 

Sir. So would you if you'd been an hour under one. [x. l. n. 
and squeezes the water out of his coat tails.] 

New. [Sopping it vp.] Oh, my gracious ! he was an earthquake 
just now — now he's a deluge. 

Str. What a fidgety little fellow this is. [Going up.] 

New. Oh ! it's no use. I give it up — ih.nvQ\ [Throivsthe awaythe 
towel — goes to the fireplace l. h. '2, e. and takes up the bellows, during which 
time the stranger seems to reflect.] 

Sir. Dark as pitch ; no one stirring — ^^a^'s quite clear. 

New. You see, sir, I'm getting a bit of fire in again, for you. 

Str. You're quite right. And yet, generally, a feather would wake 
her^what can it mean ? — [ Walks to and fro. 

New. If he's going to stamp up and down all night, in this way, 
he'll be an agreeable companion. Sir! Sir! 

Str. What's the matter? 

Neio. Would'nt you like to rest yourself a little ? You see here's 

a capital fire now ; and as it is just half-past two, by my watch 

[ Taivns.] 

Str. Don't yawn ! 



8 THE bachelor's BEDR003I : 

New. I -won't — but it strikes me we might begin to think about 
going to sleep. Eh ! what do you think? \^Blows the fire.] 

Str. [Talks to himself, and takes off his coat.'] Sleep, indeed? ah! 
[throwing the coat on the bed,] I wish I could sleep. [ Tries to pull off his 
boots by help of a chair.] It's easy enough to talk of sleep — they stick 
like wax ! Throws down the bed-clothes as if going to bed.] You don't 
happen to have such a thing as a boot-jack, sir, do you? 

New. Eh! hallo! what's he about? [Runs to him.] You'll excuse 
me, sir, but there's one thing I'm rather particular about, and that 
is, sleeping alone — I always sleep alone. 

Sir. Oh! What, you've only one bed, then? 

New. Only one ! 1 dare say you think I am very meanly fur- 
nished ; but you know you are not compelled to stay here if you 
don't like it- I wish now I could get rid of him. 

Str. [ On side of bed.] To shut the door against me in a pouring 
rain. 

Neiv. Come, sir, there's an arm-chair at your service, close to the 
fire, and you can sleep there very comfortably — or not, just as you 
please. 

Sir. [Trying the arm-chair.] Ay, ay; anything will do for me. 

Neu\ [Arranging his pilloic] Good night then — or rather good 
morning — for it's almost [Yaicns.] 

Sir. Oh ! for heaven's sake, don 't yawn. If there's anything I 
bate, in the world 

New. Well, upon my soul, that's a good one. I must n't yawn in 
my own bed room now! [Sits on the side of the bed — jumps up again.] 
Hallo! [perceiving coat.] Oh , my gracious ! if he has n't piit his nasty 
wet coat on the bed. [Throu-s it on a chair.] 

Sir. Ugh ! how wretchedly cold I am, to be sure I I say, sir, 
have you anything I could throw over my shoulders ? 

New. [Behind the curtain — affects not to hear.] Good night, sir, good 
night. 

Sir. Oh! here's a jacket! 

Neiv. Stop, stop ! I beg your pardon — it's impossible — you can't 
get it on — it's a new jacket for my little nephew — to-morrow is his 
birrh-day — and you '11 burst the seams ! 

Str. Ono! I'm very thin. 

Neio. Why not put on your own coat ? 

Str. It's soaked through — you've no idea how wet it is. 

New. yes I have — but you can't get the boy's jacket on, I tell 
you. 

Sir. No? [jou^s «7 ow.] What do you say to that? 

Neiu. Oh, my gracious ! [Str. sils dotvn.] Oh, what a man ! — well 
don't cross your arms, then, or you'll certainly split it — you must 
be very careful, or 

Sir. That infernal Ttichards, too — he must have heard me knock. 

Neiv. I give it up. [ Going back to bed.] Oh, dear ! oh, dear , what a 
fool I have been. Never mind ! catch me asking any one up again — 
that's all. Oh ! I'm chilled to the bone ; I'll pop into bed, dressing-* 
gown and all, and see if I can't get a little warmth into me. [ Gets 



OR, TWO IN THE MORNING. 3 

into bed.] Have the kindness to put out the candle, sir, if you please; 
I can't sleep in a blaze of light, [a moment's silence — Stranger knocks 
about the fire irons.] 

Str. You're a bachelor, I suppose. 

New. Yes, yes — good night. 

Sir. A bachelor ! AVhat a charm there is in that single word. 
Bachelor? freedom — independence — tranquility — no troubles — 
no cares — no anxieties. Bachelor! humph! his sleep is sweet and 
undisturbed 

New. Is it? 

Sir. Bachelor! (Rises.) bachelor! (Tramps up and down.) 

New. (Sitting up.) My dear sir ! if you could make it conveni- 
ent to leave off tramping up and down the room in that manner, I 
should esteem it a favor — these small houses are so slight that 
every step shakes me in my bed — besides, you'll wake the lady un- 
derneath — she only came to lodge here yesterday — and she '11 think 
there's a wild beast over her. 

Str. You 're right — you're right. I didn't know I was doing so. 
What a fidgetty little frump it is — there! \ Bangs the chair down on 
the floor.] There, I'll sit quietly down and then 1 suppose I '11 offend 
nobody. \Sits and rocks the chair.] 

New. Now he's knocking the furniture about. Oh, what a man! 
Do pray be quiet, sir. Deuce take it — I wish now I had left you 
where you were. I asked you up to stop your noise, and much, I see, 
I've gained by it. [Knocking heard against the floor from underneath.] 
There, I thought so — there's the lady on the first floor, knocking for 
us to be quiet. Come, do let us go to sleep; it really is high time. 

Sir. [Lights cigar — goes to ivindow c. and throws it up.] Aye, aye. 
There it is — my very oicn window — there's no disguising that fact. 

New. [Sneezing.] I cannot get warm again, do what I will. My 
bed's like ice. 

Sir. [At windou'.] Here will I take up my station for the night — 
they cannot escape me so. 

Neic. [Nut seeing him.] Sir, will you be kind enough to throw some- 
thing over me ? [Stranger puts his ivetcoat over Ajm.J Newpenny shouts 
" No, no!'' andthrou's it off.] I'm very much afraid I've caught cold, 
for I'm shivering in a way that — sir! Hallo! Where is he ? [Leans 
out of the bed and sees him at the u'indou\] Why, you've got the window 
open! 

Str. What do you say ? [ Quietly.] 

Neiv. I say, shut that window, sir. 

Str. It's for the smoke. 

Neio. You 're giving me cold. 

Str. Your chimney smokes, I tell you. 

New. No such thing [Coughs.] and yet — why it's yourself — 
you've lighted your cigar again. 

Str. There — I've thrown it out of the window. [Throws out the 
cigar.] 
% New. (Kneeling in bed .) Will you shut that window or will you not? 

Str. (Shuts it.) There, there — don't put yourself in a passion — 



10 THE bachelor's BEDROOM : 

from the moment you say it's unpleasant — that's enough for — any- 
thing for a quiet life. 

Neic. A quiet life, indeed! 

Str. You've surely a right to do as you like in your own room, and 
make yourself comfortable. 

Neio. Very comfortable. 

Str. Particularly after the hospitality you've shown me 

Neiv. Yes, it was a happy hit I made. 

Sir. There's nothing in the world I would n't do to please you, 
and show you that your civility has not been extended to 

New. Yes — very well — I'm satisfied. There, I'm going to sleep. 
He '11 chatter for a week. 

Str. [Seating himself in the arm chair on L. h. and tvhistl/'s.) Have yoa 
been long in this neighborhood, sir? (Newpenny turns in bed to avoid 
answering. [Louder.) I was enquiring, sir, whether you had lived long 
in this neighborhood. 

New. Yes, yes, I have. 

Str. You have ? [Jumps up.) He has ! then he must know all the 
people in it. What if I — yes I will ! ( Ooes to the head of the bed and 
pulls open the curtains.) Then you must know all the people in it — only 
imagine, then — [strikes the bed-post violently/ ivith his hand.) — for I'll 
tell you all, sir ; it will ease my bursting heart, and you'll be able 
to advise me — only imagine, then, I say [strikes bed-post again.) 

New. Stop ! 

Str. What's the matter ? 

Neiv. Stop — I won't keep you a moment — I'll get up and listen 
— I prefer it. 

Str. Oh, no, do n't disturb yourself. 

New. No, I won't, but I prefer getting up. 

Str, Oh! if you prefer it, that's another thing. [Walks to the fire.) 

New. Yes, it's much better. Oh, my gracious, what a man! [Put- 
ting on his slippers.) 

Sir. Don't hurry — don't hurry on my account — I'm getting a 
little warm now. [Sla?ids with his back to the fire.) 

New. [Behind curtain — sneezes.) What a man! There, [comes out.) 
if I must hear a story, I may as well hear it by the fireside comfort- 
ably, and as there seems no chance of my getting a wink of sleep to- 
night, [Icokingforhis cap, etc.) I shall be better so — much better so — 
Where's my cap? [Taking it from Stranger's head.) There, now, then, 
for your story — let's see — Where were you ? ( Yatvns, and sits at table 
the Stranger seated by the fire l. H. 2 e.) 

Str. i)o n't yawn ! I'm afraid you're too sleepy to follow me. 

Neiv. Not a bit! I'm wide awake ! very odd if I was n't ! I'm as 
lively as a grig — so, as you were saying 

Sir. Well, then, as I was saying — [Takes the other candle mechani- 
cally from the table, lights it at the other on the table, and places them together 
as he speaks.) I'd give a hundred pounds if it was but daylight. 

Neic. Do n't mention it; so would I. [Takes the snuffers and puts 
the candle out again — the Stranger takes a lump of coal up ivith the tongs* 
and puts it on the fire.) 



OR, TWO IN THE MORNINQ. 11 

New. Are you putting coals on ? 

Sir. Yes, sir: as I began by telling you, I'm a married man. 

New. You never told me any such thing — but no mdtter. 

Sir. Mine was a love-match, sir, and the circumstances attending 
it were as singular as they were unexpected. 

New. When you have finished your story, there '11 be nothing to 
prevent my going quietly to sleep, eh ? 

Sir. Well, three months afterwards 

Neio. Oh ! we 've got to three months afterwards, have we ? Well 
— three months afterwards — - 

Sir. Well, sir. {Crossing his arms.) 

New. Do n't cross your arms. 

Sir. I won't — you know Brentford ? 

New. Intimately. 

Sir. Oh, the romantic associations that word conjures up. [^Lights 
candle again.'] 

New. Yes, it's a romantic case — \futs the candle out — Stranger puts 
on a coal.~\ Ah ! you 're putting coals on again ! [Removes the coal 
scuttle.'] 

Sir. Well— two months before my marriage 

New. Stop, stop— I beg your pardon. We 've got to three months 
afterwards — don 't, let 's go back again. 

Sir. You '11 scarcely believe it. 

New. What? 

Sir. I was born at Twickenham. 

New. You don 't mean it ! 

Sir. But first of all I ought to inform you that my wife — by the 
by, I don 't know whether I told you I was married 

New. Yes, yes, you did, you did. Oh, my gracious ! 

Sir. Well, sir. \_Crosses his arms.] 

Neto. Don't cross your arms. 

Sir. No, I won't. My father-in-law always declared that when 
my wife was a baby 

New. Now she 's a baby again. There 's not the slightest con- 
nection in his ideas — [yawns.] 

Sir. Don 't yawn— you put -me out. Where was I ? 

Neiv. U-p-o-n m-y 1-i-f-e, I d-o-n't k-n-o-w. 

Sir. Oh ! my father-in law's first wife— that was it. 

New. No, no, no — three months after your marriage — you had 
got as far as that. 

Sir. Had I ? I told you, then, of my finding out that a young 
man was in love with my wife ? 

New. The deuce there was ! What, three months after your mar- 
riage ? Oh, ho ! I see it all — you were regularly booked. 

Sir. What do you mean by that, sir ? 

Neii;. Nothing, only 

Sir. I repeat it, sir- when I first saw her she was engaged to be 
married to another— but my rival happening to absent himself for 
three days 



12 THE EACHELOB'8 BEDROOM : 

Nrw. There he was wrong — I know that by experience — I, like a 
fool, left my sweetheart for three days only, and— but go on 

Str. [Loolting for the coals, with thi' tongs in his hands.'] I seized the 
moment, ran away with the girl, and when the booby came back I 
had made her my wift\ \_Laughs.] 

New. [Laughs. \ Ha! ha! well done! [Sees Strange?- jmtdnff 
something on the fire.] Pt p ! stop ! what's that? You '11 excuse me, 
but you 've got my bellows. [ Takes them and hangs them on the nail by 
the fire.] 

Sir. The worst part was [taJces up a bundle of quills.] You 

have your quills ready nibbed, I see. 

Neiu Yes, I 'm very particular about my nibs. 

Sir. The womt part was, I never could get hold of the goose ; he 
kept out of the way on purpose. Could I but once have laid my hand 
upon him— once have got the booby within my grasp, I should have 
smashed hi -n as I do this. [Smashes the pens on the table.] 

New. (-h, my gracious! you've ruined my nibs! [Talccs the 
bundle from him, and puts them further off— ivhilst he does so, the Stranger 
takes up buoljack ivilh the tongs to put on the fire.] Hallo! now you've 
got my bootjack. [Takes it and puts it under the wash-stand.] He'll 
certainly be the death of me. 

Sir. Not that I had any reason to fear him at all, but [takes vp a 
stick of sealing wax] — you know females are of that soft, yielding 
nature, that I was naturally anxious 

Neil'. [Tries to get hold of the sealing ivax.] Yes, yes, of course! 
You 've got the sealing wax. 

Sir. How red you are in the face ! 

New. I don 't know how it is — whether the interest I take in 
your story, or whether 

Sir. But you do n't blame me— ^judge for yourself! For my own 
part I never yield in anything — never. [Neicpenny pulls the ivax out of 
his hind, tvhich breaks] — I had occasion to go to Brentford; my business 
over, I wrote to my wife, naming a day for my return. A friend who 
was going to London, undertook to deliver my letter, — [takes up pen- 
knife — when, only conceive his conduct, with my letter in his pocket, 
he absolutely changed his mind, and started for Bristol — Infamous ! 
[Sticks the knife into the table — Newpenny tries to pull out the pen-knife, as 
the Stranger takes the icatch out of the stand — a short time after I found 
the matter out — [opens the case and turns the hands] — and to prevent 
any more time being lost, I determined to take the case into my own 
hands 

New. I beg your pardon, that's my ivatch!] — Takes it and places it 
in its wooden stand on the chimney piece.] 

Str. Yes, I resolved to come up to town myself. [Taking an ivory 
paper knife. I threw mjself into an omnibus and left Brentford, de- 
termined to break the matter off at once. [Snaps the knife in tivo.] 

At last I airived in town, nearly an hour ago 

New. K early ! 

Str. iMore — more— considerably more — no matter; I run to my 
door— I knock, and 



OR, TWO IN THE MORNING. 



13 



New. [QuicJchi.'] And I know the rest. [Jj/m/is 7/p.] There, your 
story is over. I'm very much pleased— and now I 'U go to bed. It 's 
a singular thing I had much such a thing happen to myself. 

Sir. Indeed. 

New. Yes, I'll tell you about it to-morrow. Going— ^Stranger holds 
him.] 

Str. No! now! 

New. No, no. I must be at my office at eight, and really 

Str. [Holding him.} Never mind for once— it won't take you a 
moment. 

New. It's nothing, I tell you. 

Str. There ! let me hear it— I may get a hint from it. 

Neio. Well ! I once had a sweet-heart— that's all. 

Str. All ! all ! do you say ? Then there's more— go on ! 

New. I was going to be married ; but, unluckily, business called 
me from home fur three days— jast like your rival 

S'r. Yes, the fool— go on ! 

New. When I came back, a thief had stolen my treasure 

Str. What! your money? 

Neto. No-o— my sweetheart. A scoundrel — just as you did — the 
blackguard— I got back at night— knocked at the door and there 
they left me — kicking my heels. 

Str. You too ! and in the rain ? 

New. No, it was snowing. 

Sir. Ah ! that makes a difference. 

New. Yes, one can't stand it so long —so I soon gave it up ; but, 
as I went away, I cast one look up at the window 

Str. Ay ! a lingering look— I know it — well. 

New. And what do you think I saw ? 

Str. All dark? 

New. No — alight in the window. ' 

Str. In her room ? 

New. In her room — and by that light I saw 

Str. What? 

Neiv. Oh, my gracious! [Tivo shadoivs are seen on the window cur- 
tain opposite — a man and a ivoman, talking familiarly.'} 

Str. What's the matter ? what did you see ? 

Neiv. Just what you see there. \_Points to window.} 

Sir. Fire and fury — my wife and — who can it be ? 

New. There— just as mine did— ha ! ha! ha! ha! 

Str. Confusion ! do you laugh at me ? [Seizes and shakes him.} 

Neiv. No, no, it was a slight convulsion — nothing more. 

Sir. [Farioushj.] Oh ! for something to annihilate— a gun— a can- 
non — a knife — a stone! (^Rushes about — takes watch from the chim- 
ney piece and throivs it through the opposite ivindow — sounds of broken 
glass heard — the light disappears.) 

New. What have you throvf n ? 

Str. They have disappeared — the wretches 1 

New. What was it you threw? 
Str. Oh! don't bother! 



i 



14 THE bachelor's BEDROOM: 

New. But you've thrown something of mine out of the window — 
what was it ? 

Str. What can it matter? 

Nciv. It matters very much ? 

Sir. I do n't know — I tell you something that was on the chim- 
ney-piece. 

New. (Rushes to the chimney.) Mercy on me ! Why it is my watch ! 
(Seizes Stranger.) Do you know I shall do you a very serious injury? 
(Daylight begins to break.) You've broken my rest — you've broken 
my furniture — you've broken my watch. You are my plague — my 
torment— mj' detestation — and now leave my house ! 

Str. Where's the key ? 

New. You broke it you know. Leave the house ! 

Str. Another key. 

Neto. Leave the house ! 

Str. How ? Which way ? Where ? Is 'nt the door locked ? you 
know it is. 

New. I don't care. 

Str. You don't, sir ! '^Treadson his toe.'] Is it your intention to 
deiain me here against my will? 

Neiv. What! detain you! I detain you! Oh! yes, I think so — 
my good friend, if that window had n't been two stories high, you 'd 
have been out of this an hour ago, I can tell you. 

Str. Then give me a key ! 

New. I will — don't be alarmed — I luckily have got another — detain 
you ! detain him ! ! [ Goes to door, r. h. 2 e.] 

Sir. (Aside.) Broad daylight ! They must open the door now. Make 
haste with the key ! Ah ! Mary, Mary, is this the way you repay 
my aifection ? [Lisfe^iing.} Eh ! I heard a door shut ! [Runs to the 
windoio, c. flat,'] It was mine — I thought as much — an individual has 
gone out — it must be the man ! The key ! where is that horrid, ex- 
ecrable key ? I shall lose bim. 

Neto. I can't think where the deuce I can have put it. 

Sir. Confusion! he'll escape and I can't even see his face — a 
rope ! a ladder ! any thing ! [Drags the counterpane off the bed.] I 
won't lose him— I'm determined ! 

New. Here it is at last ! Hollo ! thieves ! thieves ! I've got you, 
the [ Seizes him by the collar.] 

Str. Pooh! nonsense ! you little fool — let me go. [Throws him on 
the bed and puis one end of the counterpane out of the window — Newpenny 
gels lip and seizes the other end.] 

New. Give me my counterpane ! 

Str. Let me get down ! 

New. My counterpane ! 

Sir. I only want to get down by it ! 

New. I do n't care — I won't have it. — [ The stranger lets go his end of 
the counterpane — Neupenny tumbles against the ivash- hand-stand and upsets 
it ivilh a crash.] 

Voice. [ 'Without.] Good gracious ! What is that noise above stairs? 
What a disturbance there has been all night. 



OR, TWO IN THE M0T5NINO. 15 

Str. Surely that 's my •wife's voice. Mary, how came you in this 



Female. Moved in yesterday, from over the way. 

Str. Then she's innocent! It's my wife, Mrs.Higginbottom ! 

Neiv. Higginbottom! my sweetheart ! this, then, is the fellow who 
stole her from me. 

Str. Good bye — I must run, [^Seizes Newpenny's hat and stick — 
going — Newpenny stops him.'] 

New. Hollo ! is that the way you leave the house, after all the 
trouble you've given me — and not a word of apology. 

Sir. 1 beg your pardon — you're right, but I'm in such a state of 
agitation, — \_Comes foricard] — Ladies and gentlemen, if there's one 
tning I detest more than another — [^gesticulating ivith the stick — New- 
penny takes it from him arid brings forward his wet umbrella. 

New. I beg your pardon. 

Sir. You put me out, — I say the fear of taking to myself that 
which properly belongs to another — [Takes off his hat — Newpenny seizes 
and brings forward thewctone — throivshisown by mistake out of the ivindow.'] 
What a fidget you are ! How can I speak if you keep interrupting me? 
Ladies and gentlemen — I say again, a burden is placed on my shoulder 
which does not properly belong to me — 

Neiv. Stay, — you're right again, there, — I forgot my nephew's 
jacket. 

Str. Sir, let me tell you these interruptions — [crosses his arm.] 

New. Don't cross your arms — there you've done it, — I knew you 
would. [Turns him around and shou's the jacket split up. Now, come 
here. [Takes him by the arm.] I must bring this to an end, for I can 
bear it no longer; and I am sure all my friends in the neighborhood 
here, must have had enough of you. There's your umbrella — and 
there's your hat. Ladies and gentlemen, he shall bore you no long- 
er — I'll see him safe out myself, this time — but if you have borne 
his visit with only one half the patience I have, perhaps he may 
obtain your permission again to make his bow to you. [To Stran- 
ger.] Bow ! — and if so, I give him leave to knock me up as often 
as you please, at 

TWO IN THE MORNING. 



situations. 

Newpenny. Steangee. 

CURTAIN. 



SBI^DESKTOESI^'S 


BOSTON THEATRE. 


PLA.YS I]Sr PRESS. 


TwasI, 


Alonzo the Brave, 


Nicholas Nickleby, 


Mr. & Mrs. White. 


Grace Darling, 


Foundlmg of the Forest, 


Jones the Avenger, 


Jane Lomax. 


Lucky Horse Shoe. 


Nix's Mate, 


Single Life, 


Cramond Brig. 


New Notions, 


Dr. Dilworth. 


Lucille. 


Battle of Still Water. 


King O'Neil, 


Love and Charity, 


Backingr Your Friend, 


The Woman Hater, 


Norman Leslie, 


A Blow in the Dark. 


A Lover by Proxy, 


Peter Bell, 


The Templar, [as they are, 


Who is yuur Friend. 


Woman's Love, 


^ Wives as they were and Maids 


Miseries of Human Life, 


Fire Eater, 


1 School of Reform, 


Lioness of the North, 


Who Stole the Pocket Book. 


! Match Making, 


The Cabin Boy, 


Charcoal Burner, 


1 Mary Tudor. 


Dearest Elizabeth, 


Unwarrantable Intrusion, 


1 Bohemian Mother, 


Catching a Governor, 


Two can Play at that Game, 


My Precious Betsey, 


Hearts are Triunps, 


John Dobbs, 


i The Noble Heart, 


The Loving Woman, 


Diamond Cut Diamond, 


The Gnome King, 


My Friend in the Straps, 


Gale Breezley, 


A Winter's Tale, 


Presented at Com't, 


Not a Bad Judge, 


i Fortunio, 


An Alarming Sacrifice, 


Woman I Adore, 


! Nicholas Flam, 


Knight of Arva, 


Capital Match, 


! Climbing Boy, 


Americans Abroad, 


Lucky Stars, 


! Bessy MoDre, 


Eveleen Wilson, 


Bachelor of Arts, 


1 Jessy Vere, 


The Chaste Salute, 


Plot and Passion, 


Gk)vernor's Wife, 


Who do they take me for. 


Storm in a Tea-Cup, 


Belphegor, 


The Parson's Nose, 


As Like as Two Peas, 


Servants by Legacy. 


Betty Martm, 


A Blighted Bemg, 


1 Enchanted Isle, 


Little Jockey, 


Secret Agent 


i Little Dorrit, 


Touch and Take, [nett 


Wonderful Woman, 


Jersey Girl, 


Retribution, by George Ben- 


Game of Romps, 


Half Caste, 


Lost Letter. 


Muleteer of Toledo, 


Frost of Youth, 


The Thimble Rig. 


Lost Ship, 


The Adventui-er, 


The Christening, 


Four Sisters, 


1 The Iron Mask, 


Valet de Sham, ' 


Dowager, 


The Egyptian, 


Hunting a Turtle, 


How Stout Yon are Gettinft 


t The Country Squhe, 


Green Bushes, 


Uncle Foozle, [Not, 
She Would and she Would 


The Queer Subject, 


Flowers of the Forest, 


The Bottle Imp. 


Green Mountain Boy, 


Petticoat Government, 


The Spitfire, 


Rm-al Felicity, . 


Don't Judge by Appearance^ 


Advice Gratis. 


Strathmore, 


Twice Killed, 


1 Our Mary Anne, 


The Wonder. 


Old House at Home, 


1 Shocking E\-ents, 


John Jones. 


Done on Both Sides, 


The Rifle Brigade, 


Pleasant Dreams. 


Shaker Lovers. 


Weak Pomts, 


Benlah Spa. 


Ask no Questions, 


One Hour, 


Irish Widow. ' 


The Golden Mary, 


A Lesson for Ladies, 


Young and Handsome, 


TheCagot, 


Blanche Marion, 


The Naiad Queen, 


Double Faced People, 


Husband on Trial. 


Timon of Athens, 


The Wicked Wife. 


Don't Lend your Umbrella. 


Coriolanus, 


A Life s Trial, 


The Black Book. 


Alive and Jlerry, 


A Serious Yonth, 


A Splendid Investment. 


Valmondi, 


My Husband's Ghost, 


The Will, 


"Thieves, Thieves," 


Daddy Hardacre, 


Tbe Blind Boy. 


Like and Unlike, 





PliliS IIP FililS 



PRIVATE REPRESENTATION. 



Two Characters Each, 

Bachelor's Bedroom 
Ko. 1, Round the Corner, 
Conjugal Lesson, 
Morning Call, 
Antony and Clopatra, 
A Lady and Gentleman in 
a Perplexing Predicament. 

Three Characters. 

I Box and Cox, 

Love iu Humble Life, 
I Delicate Ground, 

Taming a Tiger, 

Good Little Wife, 

My Wife's Diary, 

Opposite Neighbor, 
! A Soldier's Courtship, 

Pour Characters. 

Betsey Baker, 

Bombastes Furioso, 

Victor Vanquished, 

Comedy and Ti-agcdy, 

A Good Fellow, 
1 Romance Under Difficulties, 
i Laughing Hyena- 

Cosey Couple, 

I Five Characters. 

Poor Pillicoddy, 
Swiss Swaius, 
Nature and Philosophy, 
Eton Boy, 
Bloomer Costume, 
A Kiss in the Dark, 
Swiss Cottage, 



Ladies Beware, 

Two Buzzards, 

Young wife & Old Umbrella. 

Two Oregories, 

Who Speaks First, 

White Bait at Greenwich, 

In for a Holiday, 

Two Heads better than One. 

Six Characters. 

Mr. A Mrs. White. 

My Husband's Mirror, 

My Aunt, 

Dumb Belle, 

Stage Struck Yankee, 

Trying it On, 

Teddy Roe, 

Box & Cox Married & Settled, 

Loan of a Lover, [shaw, 

Grimshnw, Bagshaw & Brad- 

My Neighixiur's Wife, 

The Secret. 

Two Friends, 

Two Bonneycastles, 

Widow's Victim, 

A Fasinating Individaal, 

Match Making, 

A Match .n the Dark, 

Bengal Tiger. 

Seven ^pharacters. 

The Scholar, 
The Limerick Boy, 
Spring and Autumn, 
Object of Interest, 
Grist to t .ft Mill, 
Wander!) .' Minstrel, 
Clock M'v.cfT's Hat, 



Irish Tiger, 
Norah Crcina. 
Family Jars. 
Irish Tutor, 
Irish Assurance, 
Slasher and Crasher, 
Hunting a Turtle, 
Second Love. 
Our Wife. 

Eight Characters. 

Love and Livery, 
A Roland for an Oliver, 
Barrack Room, 
Dead Shot; 
First Night, 
The Mummy, 
Our Jemimy, 
Spectre Bridegroom, 
Fish Out of Water. 

Nine Characters. 

My Fellow Clerk, 

Rough Diamond, 

Bamboozling, 

Deaf as a Post, 

Happy Man, 

Irish Lion, 

Idiot Witness, 

Lady of the Lions, 

Omnibus, 

Old Guard, 

Little Treasure, 

Sophia's Supper, 

Temptation, 

Used Up, 

AVeathercock, 

John Jones, 

Still Waters Run Deep. 



Price, 11 1-2 Cents, each Ten for One Dollar. 

NEIGHBOR JACKWOOD. >uBt Published, Price, 12i4 Cents 



On band a large assortment of 

ENGLISH AND AMERICAN EDITIONS OP 

^^All New Plays for sale as soon as issued.,^" 



TVXLLIAM V. SPENCERj 

Wholesale i-'d Retail Dealer in 

^mh Stag^jines, |tetasp^pr$, flap, 

ENGRAVINGS AND STATIONERY, 

No. 9;i TREMONT STREET, 
(Nearly opposite the Tremont House,) BOSTO IT _ 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

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